What Happens at Weddings…

…is usually hysterical.

It’s not a wedding if you don’t have some weird stuff happen.  And weird stuff happens at everyone’s wedding – even if they won’t admit it.  Or maybe it’s that they just didn’t necessarily know about it…

With that thought in mind, I submit my list of ten must-haves for a wonderful wedding.  Let’s start with our own wedding, and let’s call it Wedding A.  In order for Wedding A to be successful …

  1.  It should be fifty-five degrees and humid in late December.  It adds tremendously to the Snowy Winter Wonderland effect.  I’d post a photo or two, but I’m still bitter about the lack of Snowy Winter Wonderland pics.  Well, that and six years after moving into this house, that box isn’t unpacked yet.
  2. The Bride should have near-pneumonia.  To ensure that this happens, the Bride should ignore all medical advice given to her in the three weeks prior to the wedding.  As an added bonus, the Bride will sound remarkably like a man on the wedding video.
  3. The perfectly-timed and perfectly-rehearsed processional song should get completely messed up.  Fab Fiancé arranged the processional piece for our wedding so that it would be precisely long enough for the ladies in the bridal party to enter the church and reach the altar.  A special portion was inserted especially for the Bride’s fanfare, which would end precisely as the Bride met the Groom at the altar.  The Bride’s Wonderful Grandfather and Wonderful Pastor, however, got involved and pretty much un-did all the precise planning and counting that had been practiced already by giving alternate instructions.  The Bride’s special fanfare?  Plays while the Flower Girl and the Maid of Honor hustle up the aisle double-time because they know the music will end too soon.  Behind them…the Bride and her Wonderful Grandfather enter.  Bride hurries because she knows the music will end too soon.  Wonderful Grandfather insists that we must “slow down…enjoy the walk…take it all in.  He’ll have you forever, I get just these few moments.”  Yeah, it really wasn’t about that at all.  (Sorry, Hon!  You love me.)
  4. The Priest should forget the part about “you may now kiss the bride.”  It leaves the Bride and Groom standing awkwardly in front of friends and family wondering if it’s time to leave or not.  People will wonder if they should clap.  The organist will wonder if he should start to play.  Makes for some awesome confused looks in the photos.
  5. The groom should go missing on the morning of the wedding.  On the morning of our wedding day, Fab Fiancé decided to sneak off quietly and do something relaxing.  It was nothing extraordinary – in fact it was a rather regular occurrence.  But it seems he didn’t want the Bride anyone to be upset that he was doing something so regular on our wedding day.  The Best Man was given instructions not to reveal Fab Fiancé’s whereabouts to the Bride.  The Best Man went over-achiever on this one, however, and told Fab Fiancé’s Mom that he didn’t know where Fab Fiancé was.  Fab Fiancé’s Mom called Bride’s Mom’s house to see if anyone there knew where Fab Fiancé was for what was now a couple of hours.  They did not.  The Best Man stuck to his story.  Mild panic factor is a big wedding day bonus.
  6. The groom should most assuredly go missing for a second time just prior to the start time of the wedding.  After the morning’s misplacement of the Groom, nerves were a bit high.  Why had he disappeared?  Where had he gone?  With these questions on the minds of several members of the wedding party and two Mothers, the Groom went missing again.  As it turned out, he was pacing in the church parking lot for a very good reason…
  7. The Groom’s Brother’s Girlfriend must get lost in an unfamiliar city to increase the drama of the event.  At a key moment in the ceremony, Groom’s Brother whispered to the Bride that Girlfriend had to step out, but would return soon.  A confused Bride inquired as to why and was told only, “I’ll explain later…”  An item needed for the wedding was forgotten at Fab Fiancé’s parents’ home.  Fab Fiancé’s Brother sent his Girlfriend from another state to the house alone to retrieve the item.  The rest, as they say, is history.  She did return safely.  And furthermore…
  8. When Brother and Girlfriend marry at Wedding B several years later, the Bride from Wedding A is obligated to also get lost in an unfamiliar city.  This time, however, the delay was not due to any forgotten item, but rather forgotten driving instructions.  Fab Fiancé-Now-Husband was in the wedding party.  The Bride from Wedding A opted to drive to the very out of town wedding alone rather than with other family so that she could have some extra time to get ready.  Big mistake.  However, when Girlfriend-Now-Bride from Wedding B found out that Bride from Wedding A had gotten lost at the time of the wedding, it was decided that both Brides would have to get lost when the day of Third Brother’s Wedding C comes.  It’s a family tradition.
  9. At a completely unrelated wedding that happened years before either of the above mentioned weddings, Fab Guy I Wasn’t Dating should drop something.  Fab Hub really doesn’t love when we tell this story, but at a wedding we attended just a few weeks after we started not dating, he very carefully placed a plate of food on the table to reach for another item.  The only problem was that the plate was not exactly on the table when he let go.  It wasn’t a big deal…everyone drops things.  Just maybe not usually a full plate of food at a wedding where they meet the entire family of the person they are not dating for the first time in a formal setting.
  10. On the return trip from the Wedding A honeymoon, the car should begin spewing oil from the engine for no apparent reason and continue to do so for the majority of the trip home.  It turns the still-ailing New Wife into a sobbing mess because she is certain it is a metaphor for the start of the Happy Couple’s new life together.  As it turns out, we made it through the trip in relatively good condition – except for the car, of course – and have weathered many more crises in the years since.


This post inspired by the hysterical things that happen to us in real life

and the Monday Listicles link-up at The Good Life.

This post was previously published on The Meaning of Me and is republished here with permission from the author.


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