To Remember and to Let Go

I’ve been thinking long and hard about the conversation we had a few weeks back and I’ve decided it’s time for me to let go.

This was not an easy decision for me to come to.

I feel as though I’ve spent the better part of the last 4 years chasing after what really was just an illusion.

The thing is in all these years the chase never came to me. I never felt wanted or desired, I just kept feeling more isolated and lonely with each passing day.

I can still recall every detail of every time we’ve been together in the last 4 years, the dates, the circumstances, the sensations associated with touching you and tasting you.

I can remember every curve, every contour of your body. I remember those details because each time we were together meant something to me.

Each encounter was the one I thought was going to turn things around.

To be honest I was never all that fixated on the number of times we were together other then knowing that each time was initiated by me and had I not initiated these encounters that we most likely wouldn’t have been together at all during the past four or five years.

Please know that I am not angry.

I will admit that my heart is feeling broken, but I think that’s been happening slowly over these past years and I’m slowly coming to terms with this new reality.

The reality that no matter what I do you will simply never want me again….and that’s OK.

I think I just finally needed to hear those words from you.

Sex was no longer something you felt was important and certainly wasn’t anything you made a priority.

At this point just the mere mention of sex makes you angry and I understand.

If you were pushing something on me that I had no interest in, I’d get annoyed too.

I don’t want to create any further rift between us.

I enjoy your company and your friendship and I’m truly thankful for this life we have built together.

But I’ll admit, I want more.

I want to be with someone that wants to be with me.

I want to feel a woman’s touch again and know that I’m not the only one doing the chasing.

Just like I agree that there needs to be equity in all the domestic chores in maintaining a household I also believe there needs to be equity in the bedroom as well and we should speak up for those things we desire.

I don’t simply want someone that’s going to be with me out of some sense of obligation.

I want someone that feels the same passion that I do.

Someone who enjoys physical intimacy as much as I do.

I had always wanted that someone to be you but now I realize that can never be.

I don’t know how to proceed at this point. I just know things can’t proceed as is.

I miss you but it’s time to move on.

Previously published on medium

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