Has It Really Been That Long?

I could just lie in bed with you at night doing nothing but holding you and talking and that in and of itself is so intimate.

What had become the norm over the last few years should have been the anomaly. It certainly wasn’t always like that. I don’t know maybe it was just easier years ago because we spent more time together……usually went to bed at the same time and just let things happen naturally. We had fun. We tried new things. We enjoyed each other and I never really thought too much about it.

It was OK to want to climb in bed and just fuck each other’s brains out. There wasn’t a need to artificially romanticize every situation. Don’t get me wrong I love romance and seduction, but the thing is we had both. Then somewhere along the way I lost my confidence. I started to question if you were still attracted to me and still wanted me. I didn’t have any reason to — at least thinking back I don’t recall anything that would have given me that impression.

My god you were always the one wanting to introduce new elements to that aspect of our relationship……erotic short stories, toys, piercings not being afraid to explore ways to have fun with each other. Looking back, I must have just been fucking nuts. I have wasted so many opportunities for us to have been together……and the ironic thing is that we really get along great these days. You are amazing!!

Not that I haven’t always thought that but over the last few years I have seen you become so passionate about your beliefs and core values and have come to realize how much I love you and how very much I am still in love with you. You really are the only soul for me. How that translates to me having made so few attempts over these past years at being intimate almost defies explanation. I think I just way overthink it and that causes me to just not do anything — paralysis by analysis. It’s like I feel the need for every time to be perfect and why?

There is no such thing as perfection other than the fact that you are perfect for me and me for you and therefore being with you should just come as naturally as saying I love you. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to express my feelings. I don’t want to be afraid that I need to “measure up” anymore. I don’t want to fear not being good enough.

I instead look forward to re-discovering each other and having fun again. I look forward to making the most of every opportunity to be together. I look forward to finding creative ways to re-connect with each other each and every day…..maybe a text message here, a suggestive email there, etc. Maybe the occasional Friday “lunch date”. I think perhaps the most difficult thing often is determining when a good time is to be together. I love spontaneity and letting these things just happen organically but planning evenings together can be fun too, especially if it gives you some time to be a bit “creative”.

I am so looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together and will never squander any more opportunities.

And why did I start typing this in the first place? I came across a posting online recently that really got me thinking about the fact that I have been overthinking things and wanting so much for perfection that I never even could get past the starting line. No fucking longer.

I miss all those times years ago when we would spend hours on the phone talking — everyday. Maybe that’s another reason that things were easier way back then because we talked about everything and it created such a bond between us that to this day will never be broken; and I miss it. I could just lie in bed with you at night doing nothing but holding you and talking and that in and of itself is so intimate. I will spend the rest of my days working to get us back to that place. I love you!!

A version of this post was previously published on Medium and is republished here with permission from the author.

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