Am I an Incel?

Guess what? I’m about to confess something that scares the crap out of me…. again.

I’m about to out myself to a global audience…again.

I’m scared of how this going to make me look. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Before bed a few months ago, I was mindlessly scanning Instagram. And I came across a post from the former love of my life who had no idea she was the love of my life – the one I’ve called “Potential” in this space before. This post filled me with a rage I haven’t felt in a long time. Rage toward a woman I claimed at one point to love. And rage toward a man I’ve never met.

This post was one of those lovey-dovey pictures of a new couple in love. It was Potential with her new boyfriend. For the sake of our conversation, let’s call this man…I don’t know…let’s call him Bubba. I don’t know why I’m calling him Bubba; I just can’t think of a better name. I don’t even know his name.

Bubba is tall, muscular, stylish, and about the complete opposite of Ryan that any human being has ever been.

Or is he? Potential never struck me as being the shallow sort. Her ex-husband is hardly a GQ model.

But her new boyfriend sure as hell looks like he could be a Patagonia model. With his stylish sweater, his beanie covering up his long hair, and his impossibly manicured and tailored jet black beard which covered his jawline which looks like it could have been carved from granite

I knew they were together. And I’m okay with it. But it was the first time I’d seen a picture of the two of them together. And by the Hammer of Thor, I wish I’d never seen it.

Sweet Jesus, I wish I never saw that!

I’m lying in bed absolutely fuming! My heart was pounding! And my mind went to a deep, dark place.

“This is why I’m single. I’m not tall. I’m not muscular. I’m not stylish. Why did my dumb a$$ shave my beard? He looks like a g******** hipster model caveman! Is this what she wanted?”

Was this why she didn’t want me?

Keep in mind, my infatuation toward Potential was expressed to only a few. And even then, it was shared with only a few that I trusted…and I could barely trust myself then. I had so much shame around it, and I hated myself more than I have ever hated anyone before.

And without knowing it, I took it out on the woman I claimed to love.

After tossing and turning for several hours, I finally stopped myself from spiraling more and more. And then I had a thought that I don’t want to repeat, but I will because this is the purpose of this article.

The guys who shoot up places because they believe women reject them or they can’t get a date and/or get laid…I get it.

Let me be perfectly clear – I will never do this! I find these people reprehensible and disgusting. Especially when there’s so much support and love out there for everybody!

But I do get it.

Not too long after this dark night of the soul, a friend challenged me to write in this space about the so-called “incel” culture among men.

I hesitated at her challenge because of two big things.

  • I didn’t understand the culture.
  • I understood it way too well.

For the uninitiated, the word “incel” is a shortening of the words “involuntary celibate.” This is a community of men who go long periods of time without sex because they feel unworthy. But they feel entitled to sex anyway. Online communities have popped up discussing revenge fantasies toward the women who they believe deny them sex.

These are men who are so wrapped up in their revenge fantasies that they harass and hurt women just because they can. And in some cases, these communities breed mass shooters who are seen as heroes.

I’ve been single…very single…for a long time. I’ve been on a few dates, but nothing ever really stuck. I also understand I’m not entitled to anything from women. You get what you give. And I haven’t given much of anything.

I truly believe there’s a woman out there for me. When I’m able to get out of my head, get the support I need, and do the work I must, I’ll meet her. Or I may have already met her. I truly don’t know.

Looking at the incel community (which scares the holy living hell out of me) I see a lot of pain. I see a lot of heartbreak. And I see a lot of anger.

To a man, these aren’t men who are unattractive because of their looks. These are men who are unattractive because their personalities repulse and disgust women.

So many beautiful, powerful, attractive, outgoing, and brilliant women who I know very well are involved with men who I consider far less attractive than they are.

Two different life coaching mentors of mine fall into this category. But spend any time with their husbands and it is obvious why they fell for these guys. I spent a great evening last summer at a wedding with one of these mentors and her husband. He’s a truly lovely guy.

It’s obvious to Ray Charles. #youfeelme?

A goal of mine in 2020 is to find that special someone. I’m a great guy and women really do love me. I just need to learn to love myself better to get over that hump.

I want to leave a few things with this incel community. I say these things from a place of love and support because I really do understand what’s going on.

Guys, I see you.

  • Gentlemen, you have ways to get help. Do you want cheap sex, or do you want deep, long-lasting, and meaningful relationships with amazing women? You can get help. Therapists, life coaches, men’s groups, forums – these are all avenues where you can get help. The hardest step is the first one but taking that step is oh so worth it!
  • Invest in your emotional intelligence. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen this. Emotionally intelligent relationships are the strongest and healthiest relationships.
  • Porn isn’t real life. Do I need to explain it? Real relationships aren’t like porn! For men like this, porn can be very dangerous!
  • Get out of this incel echo chamber. The longer you’re in this echo chamber, the deeper down the rabbit hole you’ll go.

Looking back on things, I was never angry at Potential. Or Bubba for that matter. I was angry at myself letting an amazing woman like her go.

Believe me when I say this: I adore this woman. I want nothing but the best for her. And if I get an invitation to her wedding (that may or may not happen,) I’ll absolutely go…but I won’t be alone.

There’s hope for everybody. Good things in life are never easy. If you want it, you have to work for it.

I’m working on me.

Are you willing to work on you?


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